Why the 30 Day Positive Affirmations Challenge?

Good morning!

Hello and welcome to my new blog about my new 30 day positive affirmations challenge. 

You might ask, "Sameera why are you doing all of this?"  
But I'm sure the answer of most people who know me well will be,  "Oh! It is because she is so crazy..."  

Lol

I love and embrace my craziness and free spirit. It is what makes me unique and honestly quite memorable. But it has also made me create a world inside my head that is beyond comprehension... my imagination-land. 

Where I always longed to be...

Ever since I was a young child I used to cherish this secret world of mine and think up a lot of beautiful images in my head just to escape reality, because I found it so boring. I used to daydream a lot... my mum and teachers can attest to that!  
I used to try to draw all these things in my head. I destroyed the back covers of many notebooks and textbooks to the chagrin of once again... my mum and teachers. The beating and scolding wouldn't stop me because I just loved to draw.    

Oh! What it is to be a kid again. 

I had a pretty stable and comfortable childhood in Nigeria (I love you Mum and Dad. Hugs and Kisses!), I loved my two sisters and hated them at the same time. We used to fight so much... like 3 little boys or warriors... always on rampage! 
I remember when we would get so bored with fighting, we would make up our own mini dramas and act them out with full scripts. During the big family reunions we would include our cousins in our antics and perform for the whole family, including musicals too. 
We would perform marching parades for our parents, create our own unique card/board games and we just loved to play outside in nature. 

Many forts were made and many pillow fights were had too...

Well that was before TV took over in our teenage years and whenever we had stable power supply (Nigerian problems...). 
And then my little brother came along, so I had to become responsible for him... so no more time for childish games. 

I am glad we had power outages in Nigeria from time to time, because I know how addictive TV was for me then. This made me cultivate a creative habit where I would make my own art, make my own clothes, author my own books and sing my own songs. My schoolmates loved mostly every creation that I showed to them. 

From an early age, I banded with the other artistic girls in our class and we used to take requests to draw what anyone wanted. We turned their imaginations to life and we all loved what we did. It made going to school very fun for me at a young age. 

I continued along this road to a point that when I finished my last year of primary/elementary school, I was awarded the Art prize for the best artwork piece in the whole school. I had made an aquarium out of  a carton box single-handed. It was so beautiful and fragile and I remember being so proud of my creation that I knew I was going to win hands down before I even finished the project.

It became my best creation...

My parents reaction was that I had lost focus in life because I had gotten only an Arts prize instead of more "important" subjects like Math, Science, English, and so on.... They told me I needed to reevaluate my life if I was to ever "succeed". 
I was just 10 at the time though...
But their motto was, "Read your books!" 

Nigerian parents... So predictable...

So I did! Unfortunately they should have been more specific with what sort of books though... 
I delved into the world of fiction: Romance, Sci Fi, Fantasy (I loved the most!), Thrillers... You name it, I read it then! My library card was my life's treasure.  

I also still had to study my schoolwork anyway, but I just felt like I grasped onto knowledge so easily that I never needed to study so in depth. 

I was still artistic in junior secondary/high school but it was mostly taking requests from people like drawing fashion designs, illustrating other girls books or helping with their own story lines. I was a budding teenager then, so the need to conform superceded any other thing in the world and it caused me great anxiety. I had also decided conformism was the solution to my anxiety which made everything even worse when life didn't go my way. And when life got very depressing, I would escape more and more into my imagination-land.

By senior secondary/high school, I developed this mental escape into something so crazy that i felt my internal creations were so vivid/life-like. I just could not create these things I dreamed of at that point in my life. So I had a habit of lazing around and just day-dreaming to pass time. My mental happy place where there were just endless possibilities.

I'm alone but not alone...

I had learned how to live this double life, by getting really good at getting high grades in the "Science" subjects given to me at school while having this beautiful dreamworld in my head, where I could be my real self. I got so good at being a great student, that I even represented my school/country at an  international science olympiad.  
So my parents never really bothered me except when they found my grades slipping, and I became the one to look up to for my siblings.

Towards the end of high school, I was posed with the question by my mum: "What do you want to be in life?"
My first thought was a Fashion Designer! So I told her.

My mum's response was, " Ehn?!" With the biggest surprise on her face she continued, "You shouldn't let your daddy hear this o!"  Typical Nigerian mother!

We all eventually "compromised" on medicine, and at the age of 17, I started premedical sciences at St. George's University in Grenada. It was then that a light bulb in my head switched off. 
I felt like I had a choice. It was either my intellectual or creative side but not both at the same time.

A big mistake on my part looking back now....

I was definitely curious about medicine and wanted to know the inner workings of myself especially my brain. It excited me but I still felt a spark was definitely missing in my life.

I never created anything that I imagined myself but mostly other people's when they begged me... And I escaped more and more into my imagination-land, which had now darkened. 

I carried this air of gloom around me in reality and became an even more moody teenager who was getting deeper in her mind daily. 

Then I learned you had to be more than "2-faced" to get by in the world and be sort of happy. 

Have different faces for different people, but save your true self for the people who understand you the most, was my thought process. 

I then reserved my truest nature for a dear friend I made the first week I got to Grenada, until I realized that I had come to depend on him rather than myself for my happiness. 
I definitely did not care though as long as I got my fix. Hmm...

Towards the end of pre-med, I had an amazing GPA, great health, loving family, so many friends and great experiences.... Yet I felt so unfulfilled, not content, not grateful... and I didn't know why. So I thought, maybe a change in my surroundings would make things better.
I then applied for the 1 year SGU Keith B. Taylor Global Scholars Program for medical school in the UK, because I thought I would be happier there. 
Well.... Big mistake! 

First of all, I had to stay at home, in Nigeria for 6 months because of mistakes made the in visa process. 

Oh noooo.... I didn't knoowwww............

So I thought to myself: You left Grenada with your stable life and friends to come back here?! With no stable power and your parents giving trouble everyday breathing down your neck?..... Lorddddd!! Nooooo!!! Take me baaccckkk!!!! I miss Grenadaaaaaa!!!!! 

Anyways, looking back, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. I reconnected with old friends, learned how to use computers pretty well and started regaining my creative side again by starting my first blog called Sam Meera Banks Rants. 

Please check out my old blog..

It was supposed to be a personal blog where I could be myself and release my creative flow, through writing about what truly mattered to me.

I quit after my last post because I was feeling depressed about having to leave this stress-free life that I had and finally starting medical school in January of 2012. 
I still had trouble comprehending what my true purpose in life was. I also always thought about how much time, effort and money was being spent on my education by my parents and family, that I felt obligated to go to medical school, even though my heart was telling me to stay home.I then got weary of my parents and their endless scrutiny, so I felt that in order to regain my freedom, I also had to leave and so I did. 

But I didn't know I was trading in one freedom for another...

Medical school was an arduous journey. It started off light in the UK for my 1st year and it was a pleasant experience but not particularly fulfilling. 
When I got back to Grenada for my 2nd year, I saw how much things had changed, old friendships broken and new ones formed.... People were different and I felt like I didn't fit in properly like I did before, but more like a satellite hanging out in the background of people's lives. 
Academically, I was sound still. I kept up with the great GPA, even though I dropped a bit from my previous awesome pre-med GPA... Which was totally expected, but not to my parents. 

Me: But I'm in medical school ma...!
Mum: And so what? Those that get A's, they don't have 2 heads...

Anxiety had crept back in. So I went back to who I could always trust and rely on. I had to explain to him why I had to leave then and we silently understood how much we needed each other. 
It was short-lived though and my bliss turned back to a nightmare, when he had to be the one to leave me this time around. 

I felt abandoned and went back into escape mode. 

But now darkness was just there. Nothing really excited my insides anymore. My dark thoughts beget hatred to the point where I hated myself. I would think about all the things I hated about myself, my appearance, worried about people not liking me... This made me always quiet around strangers, because I was so self conscious. 

I would complain and complain about how much life sucked. The ultimate pessimist! I used to put this "frowny" mask on literally everyday so as not to give away how vulnerable and insecure I was. Life seemed so out of control but things always seemed to work out in the end though.

There was always light at the end of a tunnel...

In fact looking back then now as I write this, I don't think I had any real problems. Just things I created out of making my mind go haywire. The real problems came much later....

Flashing through the next 2 years of medical school, I tried to stay afloat with my studies but life seemed to get in the way of things. Financial issues were wearing me down day by day. My grades had started to now suffer...

I had moved to New York for my clinical years of medicine and was trying to achieve some sort of balance and happiness in my life. 

And then life struck at the most inopportune moment, while preparing for what was supposed to be a big transition in my medical career in residency... The USA Residency Match Program...  I bombed an important exam! The USMLE Step 2 CS! 

My utter shock was that my Achilles heel was this stupidly easy exam. Notably the one that everyone in medical school warns you that you should not fail and cannot fail... but I was that one person that failed it, even though on paper I should not have failed it... yet I still failed it!!!!
I had never failed at anything in my life like this and so I spiraled into a deep depression. 

Deeper and deeper......

I had always thought that if I couldn't have my creative side, I could still settle with the fact that I knew that I was naturally brilliant and that was all I needed to achieve greatness. 

But when those exam results came back, it shattered my soul and I felt like I had to redeem myself somehow and show the world that I could make it despite this grave setback. So I set my mind up to rewrite the exam, pass and get my residency job interviews on point!
I now could feel a deep pain in my heart anytime I thought about it, but I pushed through it and felt determined to get this residency in America.

I remember when I told my mum I was applying for psychiatry as a specialty, and she said the same thing she had told me long ago again, "Ehn! You want to be seeing mad people everyday? Your dad wouldn't like to hear this o!" Some things never change.... 

I loved psychiatric patients, and I loved being around them. I felt they were so misunderstood and I could see them channel their disorganized thinking through art and creativity to give an insight into their brains. 
I would talk at lengths to depressed, suicidal, bipolar, schizophrenic patients and connect with them. 

I remember one of the psych techs told me I was the first medical student he saw rotating through their unit that he ever saw interacting with the patients the way I did.
I loved them so much even though everyone told me to be afraid because they were so unpredictable, I still knew that I should be careful. 

I had a lovely patient who lived in the unit for over a year, wait for me at the door every morning to say hi to me and it made me so happy and fulfilled to come to the unit everyday, just because of that.

I unfortunately did not get a match last year with any hospital to continue my education in psychiatry and so I spiraled into a worse depression. I was an absolute mess but the only thing I had going on for me at the time was my romantic relationship, so I held onto it for dear life. 

I then graduated from medical school in 2016, and it felt like just another ordinary day to me.... 
A journey of 7 years that spanned 3 different countries and hundreds of thousands of dollars spent and loans taken... Yet, it was just another day to me... Wow!

Sigh...

I believe at this point my spirit was rigor mortis and I was just seeking solace with my ex, that I never ever got. 
It was a relatively stable relationship in which I took all I could get out of him and tried to give as much in return. Yet I always felt guilty that I still wasn't happy despite him giving me everything I wanted in a partner. 

This gave him a lot of insecurity because he saw that no matter how much he did for me I was never fully happy. 

I then moved back to Grenada, was starting a research fellow job at SGU which I hoped would get me my dream psychiatry residency. I was also in love and about to get married but I did not feel truly fulfilled in anyway. My relationship died quickly within a couple of months after I had moved. 

He became very insecure about the long distance but I also was very critical/judgmental of him, and I regret this deeply. He was truly a good man but our relationship was needed to teach me a great lesson in being so ungrateful that it blinds you to the treasures that you may have in your life.
So I thought, maybe after all of this, I could still get this dream residency and become truly happy.... Like I always did...  

Me partying last year!

The person who saved me from myself confronted me, after a couple of conversations with him, and asked me a question that took me by surprise, 

"Why do you hate yourself so much you that you say you want to commit suicide?" 

That was when I stopped and thought to myself: Did I really say that? He has to be making this stuff up!
I then analyzed myself and thought about the conversation we were just having... 
I had told him jokingly that I wanted to jump out the window I was standing beside. It was just a joke and nothing more!
So I replied while laughing: Ah! Of course I'm joking!
But he told me firmly "You said you wanted to jump out of the window! How is that a joke?" 
And then I thought to myself.... But of course I was joking.......... *crickets*.......... Right?..... Hmmmm.....

No answer......

This stirred up a question I had in my mind but had never refused to fully confront: Did I really hate myself that much that I would want to throw myself off a building?

A silent cry for help...

It was very hard and I had to reflect to find out what was causing all of these negative thoughts. It was anxiety that I was not worthy, good enough and my life had to be perfect to be happy. 
But why did I have to feel this way though? 
After so many months of pondering and analyzing I did not get down to a definitive answer. 

So I decided to ask myself "What do I truly want?"  

Still, no answer....

This started my journey of self discovery/enlightenment and  finding what my true purpose in life was meant to be. I roamed through the internet and sought out people and pages that would help me.

And then I traveled deeper and deeper into my thoughts, that I did not know where the beginning was or the end is. The internet helped me me dive so deep with the endless knowledge that I drank in with so much glee everyday. 
My quest for knowledge was no longer channeled into anything else except to answer simple questions about life, self improvement and things that interested/excited me. 

My friend who woke me up from my self destruction, was also a channel for my creativity. We would have deep conversations about deep topics as well a silly arguments over nothing. 

We even came up with an awesome movie script overnight that started from an argument that we can't even remember what it was about! 

He always challenged my thought processes and I was forming new connections in my brain I had never done before. I searched deep through my raging thoughts and decided maybe a little optimism and cheeriness would help. After all, I saw it on an Buzzfeed! 

Haha!

I had thus begun my transformative process, to resolve issues about myself slowly. I had suddenly realized that I already had a great life and this reignited a power within me that I had lost a long time ago. 
I thought of all the things I was thankful for especially being a 24 year old smart, talented and beautiful doctor ready to take on the world.

Now, I thought I was finally ready!
I was finally happy and 2017 was just around the corner. New year, new beginnings... Right?!

I attended an Internal Medicine residency job interview in Florida that I absolutely loved. I saw what a dream residency program could look like first-hand. 

It ticked all the right boxes of the sort of luxury I desired, and even though it was not Psychiatry, I was willing to compromise... once again. Just as I had done every single time I had a dream.  I never learned my lesson... 

I decided though that this time I would be successful because I had a secret ingredient now... Positive thinking!  That should work now, right?
So I put this Florida hospital in my "positive thinking hat" and told the Universe that I needed this to be even more happy than I am now. 
But I had to get it straight with the Universe first, so I was like: Yo! It's not like I'm not happy right now or anything buuutttt....... I need this Florida place to be just a little bit happier for the rest of my life! Okay? Thanks. I appreciate it!" 
I also prayed very hard to God, just to make sure it came true extra doubly. (If that is even a word...) 
But as the Universe would have it, I did not get it. And I remember the moment I looked at the screen and it said: 

:(

Yet... I did not feel a thing!

I was the calmest I had ever been in my life. I had only one thought now: What next? 
Confusion set in as I did not know whether to cry because once again my dreams didn't come true or that once again I had to ask myself what I truly wanted in life.....

Was it being a psychiatrist? Or a primary care physician? Or a researcher? Would I stay in Grenada all my life? Would I ever get this dream residency? Or would it be next year as always? Would I have to go back to Nigeria? What about my loans? 

So many questions....

Two years in a row, I had failed woefully at achieving my so called "dream residency". 
Yet I had these nagging questions on my mind that kept me so bothered which ultimately coalesced into: What is the plan? What is the plan?? What is the plan???

I had to find a new drive.... and it became to seek out what my true purpose in life is!

The internet then became my best friend. Everything on the internet excited me. All the information I needed to all my questions were right at my fingertips. 
And also there.... I finally found myself. 

I looked up people I had admired over the years and tried to get an insight into their lives like Dave Chapelle, Carl Jung, Isaac Newton and see what motivated them. 
I became more socially, environmentally and intellectually conscious. I became a truth seeker! 

I would be up for days without eating just to read and read and read. Knowledge became my sustenance and food repelled me. (Side note: I have been feeling nauseous since January. I can only stomach vegetables and fruit now. )

Mummy.. please calm down I'm fine.....

And then... finally I googled: How to be truly happy. 
I went to the research articles first obviously...  Consistently, I saw one conclusion from most these studies which was:

True happiness came from within. 

Every article or video I came across talked about the power of positive thinking, manifestation and loving yourself.... Blah blah blah.... 
It sounded all cheesy to me but I then thought: All this research can't be wrong.... Or could they be...? Hmmm... 

So I went on a quest to find different techniques to achieve this Nirvana we've all dreamed about. 
I learned how to meditate and calm myself. I continued diving deep into this encyclopedia called the internet until I finally came to this blog post here.

The Maven Circle Blog.

Something perked up inside of me and told me clearly: You have to do this! 
I started this challenge 5 days ago as a Whatsapp broadcast message I sent to my friends every morning to help support me. What it did was turn me into reviving a passion that I truly love. Writing. 

I am on Day 5 of this challenge and I want to say that this has been the most exhilarating experiences of my life but now I want to restart it with a different goal in mind: To find my true purpose in life and document my experiences on this blog everyday.

I love life now. It is like time has slowed down and all the color and vibrancy has returned to life. I feel so happy and fulfilled right now. I am surrounded by all which I love. All the girls I have surrounded myself have stood for an aspect of my life that I now feel I represent: The smart intellectual beautiful side of me, the beautiful cool artistic side of me, the friendly beautiful bubbly side of me and the creative beautiful caring side of me. And the guys: The crazy funny bubbly side of me, the happy loner perfectionist side of me, the witty clever funny side of me and the charming loving warm side of me. The island of Grenada so beautiful and fresh. The weather so nice and sunny. The life so calm and gentle. I truly love life now!

The mind, body and soul....

I am a multi faceted individual on a truth seeking quest to find her purpose in life. I want to find a way to achieve balance in my life and merge my intellectual, creative and spiritual sides to achieve harmony in a way that would make me better person not just for myself, but for society as well.

I seek to be inspired and be an inspiration to others..

I would love all of you join my 30 day challenge and also support me as I go through this process. I believe this will not only help me but others who may need help to achieve the best possible version of t to see a sincere out themselves as well.

I promise to keep this up everyday and see it to the end as well as pouring of all of my heart and soul into this blog.

Thanks for the support...

It would mean so much to me if you could share this page with your family and friends so that others know that we are always going to be here for each other.

Thank you and have an amazing day as always.

Peace. Love.. Harmony...

Please feel free to comment. Thank you

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